Saturday, 14 January 2012

Exshauted

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Went to library from 11pm until the next day 10am .... Then walking to wing hong and buy something for steambot!
Just got back home at 12pm.... Then gonna find a gift for Mary, Diana and I went out for the present again! Oh my gosh! I was really tired like a zombie ......
Cny is coming soon.... I going to meet Sharon really soon! She said she is so excited to see me! But I doubt it! Hahaha.... Alright! Really need to get some sleep now! I am dam tired...

Sunday, 8 January 2012

我不懂,我该怎么办~

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就因为,爱的越深,越伤害彼此~
我根本就不认识‘他’理所当然,我也没有当他存在过。。。
我根本没想过你有男朋友,因为他不是(我认定在我脑海里)
他对我来说,只是个外人。。。
对不起,我还真的接受不到他,因为我根本就不认识他
我很想找机会认识他,我试过了,但是,他比我还有自闭
但是,他却让我看到,我永远都不可能可以认识他,所以这个陌生人一直存在着
之所以,我无视他的存在,我想不到更好的办法让我自己好过一点!

我=的想法
我只想表达我的想法,也许我没有说,但是我是怎么想的。
那天,当你这样骂我的时候,我真的很莫名其妙,我也觉得我没有做错什么
但是,对你来说,我做错了!也许,你说的对,我没有想过你的感受!我只是觉得,一个comment罢了
为什么你那么在意,过后,我才知道他对你来说有多么的重要,重要得让你这样对我发脾气
还记得,那天圣诞节后,你骂了我一顿,我也不知道到底发生什么事,你要这样骂我,就因为我没有准备礼物
给你吗?你以前不是这样的,你会体谅我,因为要做功课,而没有准备,但是,那天我觉得是有人惹你生气了
你才借此机会把我痛骂了一顿,我也只能安静的给你骂,因为我知道你心情不好,我也没有买礼物给你,可能让你失望了,我还故意扮傻瓜,让你笑~我这是为了什么我?让你开心过好,我的心好痛,我不知道为什么我被骂,只因为你不开心,所以我被骂了!

昨天,我很生气,因为你为了一个外人这样骂我!事情就像之前P对你一样(不好意思P,我只能用这个来形容)我们几年的姐妹,你却为了一个在一起2年的人这样骂我!你知道我的心情是怎样吗?我真的很不想再和这个人联络,你知道我的个性的!我没必要为了这个人影响我的生活,我不需要和我不喜欢的人联络~没意思!突然我觉得我的冷血回来了,我甚至觉得我被伤害得够了!原本对于家人,我是那么多包容,我甚至希望你们所以的病痛,所有的不愉快,只要发生在我身上就会,就算是死,我也希望那个人是我,我愿意用我的生命来交换,命对我来说,真的不算什么,只是一个外壳罢了,我的心在跳,是因为有家人!为了我的爸妈,弟妹,我让他继续跳动,我愿意牺牲我自己,让你们开心,都舍不得花钱,但是我却愿意请你们吃好吃的,买好东西给你们,但是,我到底该怎么做?我真的不懂。。。。。。。。。
再说,我根本就没有offense他的意思,是你自己多想而已!

再来,本来我是铁了心的,完全不能接受他,但是在圣诞节的时候,我们聊过。。。
我的想法改变了,你似乎说服了我,我本来想以姐妹的身份在旁边支持你,这样爸妈也会比较容易接受你们
如果你们真的那么爱对方,再说,如果他真的那么爱你,他也会主动来认识我们等
我也不知道他是怎么想的,就算你愿意为了他不穿裙,不去夜店,等很多限制,我都已经看开了
因为,这就是你们俩的相处模式!我也接受了。。。。。而且这也是你自己的选择,我能做的只是,当你需要我的时候
我就会帮你,因为我不知道我还能做什么!我真的祝福不到你,因为我根本就不认识他!
当我放手让你自由,这对我来说,是多么困难的事!
而你却,把我讨厌他的事情更加的放大,我甚至觉得我自己没有讨厌他,是你把它读为讨厌他!
我根本就不认识他,为什么我要讨厌他?这是重点!

我没有想到,为了他,我们有那么多摩擦,为了他你连家都不回,每天往外跑
为了他,你这样和我吵架,为了他,你愿意挺身而出,为了他,你愿意不厌其烦的解释,为了他,你多了那么多包容,为了了他,有更多的体谅,为了他,你好声好气的的说话,为了他,你变了。。。。。。。。

我真的不懂,我该怎么做!我到底要怎么做?

Monday, 26 December 2011

圣诞节

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今天,去了Geojo and Genevie 家里吃饭~
感谢她们做的饭菜!
谢谢,Erica送的圣诞礼物,是一个有盖子的杯子
上面写了说,没有什么事可以难倒我的!
非常感谢,我身边有那么多支持我的人,是我没看到,还一直心存怀疑
我觉得自己真的是以小人之心度君子之腹,我真的很不应该

过后,到我们家,Geojo帮我祷告了
她告诉我,我现在头顶有一团很大的乌云,这就是阻扰我的东西
然后,她说,神让她看见了很多格子里的我,有开心,不开心,很多的表情都在框框里
她说,我出不来这些框框。。。然后我的心在滴血
虽然面对朋友都是很开心,笑笑的,但是心里其实在滴着血
让我突然觉得,我好像很开心,但是心里不开心,我不想面对这些,一直在逃避着
我故意让自己装的很开心,但是,我心里却很不开心,没有人能够明白我在不开心什么,因为就连我自己都不知道自己在不开心些什么。。。。。。。

随着年龄的增长,好像渐渐明白很多事,很多现实的事情,一起觉得自己还小,可以逃避,
但是,现在逃不了了~把自己不开心的回忆锁在框框里,自己的失败,我其实知道我痛得很
但是,已经过了,心里却留下了个洞,怎么补缺补不好
她还说,神说他爱我,要我不要把自己的心锁起来,把负担交给神,因为他明白我的感受
神要我放下,放下心里的难过,我才能开心,他要我开开心心的~
他叫我,不要用眼睛看,要用我的心去看。。。

突然间意识到,是我自己把自己锁上了!
身边有好多好多关系我的人,替我加油的人,帮助我的人,还有了解我的神
我却失去了信心,不再相信自己。。。忘记了别人的支持,只因为把这些支持当成了讽刺
我真的很不应该!

神啊,我要学会如何交托,把我的心卸下来
我要怎么把我的负担交给你,让你陪我一起承担
主啊~ 我需要你!

Friday, 18 November 2011

我怎么了?

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我不知道我怎么了~
休息了好久,等着伤口痊愈
才发现,我不敢再轻易尝试了

我真的害怕受伤,
但是,我更害怕伤害了你
我不想做可怜虫,要你迁就我
我也不想做坏人,头也不回的一走了之
我真的不知道,我该怎么做

也许,是我自私
期待着有更好的出现
我不知道你会不会是我的选择
我不敢轻易答应
但是,我却不想你走开

我到底该怎么做
我真的不懂~
唉。。。。。。。。。。。。

Sunday, 30 October 2011

事过境迁~

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昨天有位兄弟回国了
我们有了一些的分享,
让我有了些感触
在这里的日子,我记得很清楚,不知道为什么我却记得
让我想起中学的日子,我还真的记不起来
也许,过得太开心,太快乐了~

我所怀念的是这里的一切
什么地方,什么人,发生了什么事
这是让人想念的
我真的很想念以前的日子
但是,明明知道时间不能回到过去
我想说,我真的很想念以前的日子,但是
我知道那些都会不到的过去

之前还很执着,但现在已经放下了
终于了解到,只能回味的过去,很多遗憾不能够弥补
没想到,快乐所带来的悲伤,更加心痛
虽然风景依然在,却人事已非
只变成在脑海中浮现的非白画面和笑声

谢谢你们经过我的生命,
让它添上了彩色,笑声

也谢谢你们
让我知道没有了你们,我还是可以活得很好

曲终,人亦散
事过境迁
面目全非
回忆,依然。徘徊


随笔

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Blanked...

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I am who i am......
this sentence seems familiar to everyone!
Everyone just want to be themselves, no one else would like to
change to others because of something can i say this is an attitude?
Well, we can say whatever we like when we are free or in young age?
Have u ever think about, when you are in the real society
and the pressure upon you, which always watching ur attitudes,
you are force to change or with a mask on yourself


Sometimes, we may sick with this world, but we cannot leave aside
I was so excited alone, as i planned to give a birthday surprised for S
but then, it seems end up with not a little bit of surprising ???
Although we make quite lots of fun, but i feel so bad that, seems my appeared
make her not into moods.
-I mean like, she feel annoying? when i am around?
-She blamed me i am dirty when i sit on her bed before i take my shower?
-She kinda stress on her work, as she need to keep me accompany then she cannot do her work?
-She cannot skype with her bf or talk to him properly when i am there?
-She feel annoying when i talking to her?

I feel so upset when i am back from her place,
i was thinking, am i shouldn't appear at that time or i should just keep myself alone
at home during that time. Sigh~~~
I seriously don't feel good!
We are so near, yet you are so far away from me! I sincerely can feel that.
I feel like left over, i hate that kind of feelings~
I wonder, whats had happened and make all this?
I have no idea, what should i do to take you back with me
I feel kinda lost without you!
I am upset when u refused to listen to me or even talk to me
When i cannot talk to mum, dad, A and B, u r the only one who cares me alots,
listen to me and debating for me!


Sigh........ another struggling
i hope God could lead me through this all
Cause i am really lost in no where...........


sorry foe being so lost
sorry for being so immature
sorry for being so weak
sorry for being so dependence
sorry for being so demanding

i dont know where to go.......

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Slacking...

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Well, as my title had show everything!
This ain't a good thing for me!!!
BAd......i am totally on holidays mood, although i got lots of thing
need to do~

However, have talk to S during afternoon,
she told me third year is much more easier than second year,
i was like itis? I don't think so
It's the same if you don't put any effort on it
however, there might be some easier way as in
more understanding? more easier to catch up? have a clue on what to do
and what's going on?
I am not sure, but i think it's kinda cool for me

I went shopping again and again......
i can't help myself, seriously need help!
and i keep on procrastinated !!! i know i can't!!!
i should really catch up when i back, no more slacking
do more research, more understanding and read more journals articles

Today went for my visa appointment, the advisor help me a lots
big thanks for her, she have been so kind to me~ i love her!
but i am really tired, i dont know why `a bad sigh`

Well, life move on! i am still preparing!
i will faced all the challenge when i am ready! keep going
Gambateh ~~~